Paris In Springtime

“The little end of nothing whittled down sharp” is how my great-grandmother would have described the vapid, self-centered, and unbelievably stupid piece of humanity that is Paris Hilton. As most the world knows, the hotel heiress, socialite, and incredibly bad actress will begin serving a 23-day jail sentence at the Century Regional Detention Center in Los Angeles if she reports by June 5. Normally, I don’t care a whit about the likes of Paris, Britney, and Lindsay, but as a former alcoholic, I have serious issues with a woman who has at least one DUI on her record and isn’t actually serving time for that offense, but for driving on a suspended license.

If I ran the world, here’s how Ms. Hilton’s sentence would be handled. First, she wouldn’t be serving 23 days of a 45 day original sentence she’d be serving 90, a good solid three months to give her time to contemplate how she endangered others by getting behind the wheel of car while drunk. And there would be no tagging her with an alarm to protect her from other inmates (Did the far more likeable and intelligent Martha Stewart need protection? I don’t believe so). On top of that, I’d insist Hilton not only get treatment for her alcohol problem but require that she spend the six months AFTER her release speaking to groups of young people on the dangers of driving drunk and being too dumb to open and read your own mail. Finally, I’d impose a probation period from three to five years. If Hilton so much as looked at alcohol, she’d be in lockdown so fast she wouldn’t know what hit her. And I’m not talking Promises in Malibu.

The real problem with the inconsequential Paris Hilton’s of the world is that somehow they become role models, while having done nothing to benefit society in any conceivable way. I have a 21 year-old niece who follows the escapades of Paris, Britney, etc. al. with bated breath, believing the shenanigans these women engage in not only matter, but deserve to be emulated. And I’m here to tell you that the little end of nothing whittled down sharp isn’t something most people would ever aspire to.